vinajoy's Xanga

Continuity

Sat, 05 Sep 2009 04:45:05 GMT

For about a year now, I've been blogging over at Natural Momma and I have to admit, Wordpress has won me over. But sometimes I get sentimental and visit my good ol' Xanga blog and I just can't seem to walk away from the four years of my life made public in the blogosphere. Yes, I am a mama now, but I am still parts of my pre-Barham days, and my sans baby life is still as valuable as the one I live now.

And so here I am, back to Xanga, deciding that dang it, I can keep two blogs. I may not necessarily be posting every day, or every week for that matter, but continuity is important to so I shall. Maybe I'll make it to 10 years of blogging and what a hoot it will be then to look back at the drawn out posts on baby sleep and lack of home-making skills I have.

That's all.

break

Sun, 19 Oct 2008 16:22:56 GMT

so sometimes i wonder, am i spoiling naomi? because folks, she is only happy and content in my arms and no one else’s. not grandma’s, not aunt bing’s, not even daddy’s. i am usually fine with this arrangement (actually most of the time i love it) because i love sleeping next to her, i love holding her and smelling her and kissing her lovely face as much as she lets me. but somedays, i reach my limit of being a 24-7 mommy/diner/comforter/rocker/pacifier and just need a…break. just need a night when i don’t have to chow down my dinner in 15 minutes because even though daddy is holding ms princess and going around the house rocking her and singing to her, she is screaming her head off as if being separated from mommy will kill her. just a break long enough for me to maybe go for a walk by myself. or just a slow morning when i don’t have to take my shower in 5 minutes and not care if my hair dries funny or if the undies i end up pulling out of the dresser has a slight hole....to read the rest, go to my natural momma blog:

Goobye Xanga, Hello Wordpress

Fri, 10 Oct 2008 16:54:06 GMT

I’ve been trying to write my first post (on wordpress) since yesterday but I’m too much of a perfectionist to come up with one so I’m just going to pretend this isn’t the grand opening and get on with my life!

First things first. Why a new blog?

Well, becoming a mommy is perhaps one of the biggest things (if not the biggest thing) that has ever happened to me…so big that it needs a blog of its own. I mean, sure, everyone is talking about the upcoming elections (I think I just decided a few days ago who to vote for although I'm not too sold on his running mate despite the fact that I like her somewhat...)or the financial crisis that we all should have seen coming...…but I have become single-minded these days and for all the lessons learned and energy spent on this precious little bundle of mine - my heart and thoughts have become too small to contain it all. And so I share here with you.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Sat, 20 Sep 2008 22:29:40 GMT

I'm not sure what to blog about but I am just not in the mood to read right now and I'm sitting here on the rocking chair that we borrowed from my mom, with Naomi in my sling, sleeping soundly. Literally. Like she would make snorting sounds (like the cute pig Babe), purring sounds (like a baby cat) and her classic Naomi whimper and sigh....so cute. Meanwhile hubby is doing some serious cleaning around the house. We are going to head out to my sister's house for some family get together after Naomi wakes up...it's a long drive so she better be fed and clean and not tired or we'll be listening to her cry all the way to Everett. And I then I'll end up crying along and feeling like the worst mother in the world, asking God to please stop this joke and have Naomi's real mommy take over now please coz I'm done.

Which reminds me...anybody out there have a baby who hates being in the car or is it just my Naomi? Actually, she is usually fine when it's Daddy driving and I'm there with her, unless of course she pooped or hungry. But when it's just her and me, even if she is fed/clean/not tired...she will cry. I went to Trader Joes a few weeks ago and she was screaming her head off but since I was on the freeway, I couldn't pull over. The longest 20 minutes of my life. So that's why I've been going around town via bus and water taxi. But now that it's cold and rainy, I have to come up with another plan. I could just stay home, but I get the cabin fever after a couple of days. I like going around our neighborhood for short walks but I guess sometimes, I just need to go somewhere. Do something. It's hard sometimes to just be at home, especially that Naomi sleeps SO much. I think she is only awake like 6 -8 hours total every day....that includes feeding so it leaves little time for actual fun.

Which is another thing I wanted to blog about. Changing priorities and lifestyle. Becoming a mother is really one of the biggest changes a women could ever go through. I'm only on my second month going on third, and I'm already experiencing the beginning of that. From 8 hours a day 4 days a week of office work, interacting with people my age, using my brain power to solve adult problems and answering emails and building adult relationships...I shifted to 24 hours a day and 7 days a week to: changing very poopy stinky or just plain wet diapers A LOT (she did 8 changes in a five hour period today), nursing my baby whenever she needs to (yesterday I nursed her while walking from the grocery store on the way home and the other day on the bus...NEVER thought I would do such a thing!), dancing and swaying and rocking and singing all the songs I know or making up some when I forget the words just to get Naomi to sleep...and of course taking a million of pictures only a mother could look at over and over and over again. I now sleep around 8/9 pm at night, wake up 4-5 hours later and then doze off every couple of hours to feed my growing daughter. I haven't watched nighttime TV in a looong looong time (which I think is good but I don't know if I can give up Heroes). I've mastered how to type with one hand, cook with one hand, eat with one hand, use my toes to turn the fan/remote on and off, how to trim those little fingernails (scary!) and a whole lot more. I have done very few things that doesn't involve Naomi. Almost all the decisions I now make, including my outfit for the day, has to have Naomi in mind. But oh man, the reward of seeing Naomi smile back at me, talk back at me...seeing her grow...she now opens her hands more, kicks more, looks at things more...BUT honestly, there are days when I think back to my pre-baby days with some longing....

Now, my style of parenting, some may think, is too child-led and that I'm spoiling my baby. I don't have a schedule for her feeding or sleeping (although there is consistency in here nighttime sleep)...I always wear her when I'm around the house (she only stays in her swing for 10 minutes, and then she cries) or traveling (boo strollers and car seats) and when I put her down, I have to sleep next to her or she wakes up after 10-20 minutes. At night, I also don't schedule her feedings, I let her dictate when she eats. When she cries, I pick her up right away and comfort her. Now, sometimes I wonder if I am spoiling her. But in my gut, I think this is the right thing to do in this season of my daughter's life. She is a baby, totally dependent on her parents for survival with crying as the only mode of communication that will get her needs met. The first night we brought her home, I just couldn't leave her on the crib. It feels wrong to leave a baby all by herself in that lonesome room. I think it's so American to have a baby a room all to herself. We so value independence that we try to foster it at such an early age. I never had my own room until I was 18 I think. Also, we value convenience and comfort way too much. Nowadays, I see mothers pushing strollers for long periods of time and they don't interact with their baby. At Starbucks one day, there were two moms out with their babies. They both had this high end strollers and they were chatting about. Mommy #1 was feeding her baby with bottle while baby was IN the stroller while talking to her friend. A few minutes after she finished feeding the baby, h/she starts to cry and mommy #1 puts a pacifier in baby's mouth. Baby still cries after a few minutes, and mommy #1 bounces the stroller up and down to calm the baby while continuing to talk to mommy #2. This went on for like 15 minutes. I was watching the whole time while Naomi was sleeping in my sling (what else) and I just wanted to pick up mommy #1's baby to comfort her. I thought, poor baby. I wanted to tell the mom - She's trying to tell you something and you can't even be interrupted. I shouldn't judge, but I felt bad for the baby. When did start heavily depending on mothering substitutes? I also felt like maybe the mom wanted to pick her baby up but she didn't want others to think she was spoiling the baby?

To be continued...

Naomi's Vaccines, Public Transportation, Mommy Burn Out and Other Things

Thu, 18 Sep 2008 02:58:53 GMT

Today we had our second wellness check up with our pediatrician as well as Naomi's first round of vaccines. I decided to take public transportation because Naomi cries when I am driving and she is in the back seat and she is so clingy afterwards and I think having those painful shots should be the only thing she should cry about today. Well, it wasn't that bad. She cried so hard the first few minutes but after we gave her lots of hugs and kisses, she calmed down to the kind of cry that melts your heart...like she was telling us how awful it was with her cute sobbing...can sobbing be cute? Never thought it would be! Anyway, the entire day I tried to distract her by nursing and by napping with her in bed. Other methods didn't work. Poor little Naomi. She still must be recovering from the shots. She only had two...one was oral and the fourth shot they ran out. Tsk tsk. They combined 3 vaccines into one, so I'm glad. I'm gonna read the book The Vaccine Book by Dr. Sears as recommended by my friend Gina. I actually borrowed it from the library before Naomi was born but I just wasn't interested that much then. But now that we actually have to get them for Naomi, I better be knowledgeable about them. I did read on the vaccines she got today though and they were pretty non-controversial.

So my experience with the bus system so far...I really like it because Naomi is in my sling and I love the touch time. I also get to people watch, which is a favorite pastime and since I'm home a lot, I don't get to do it often. A lot of people tell me what a cute baby I have which I also like (what parent wouldn't?) But what I HATE, absolutely hate, is when people assume that because I'm taking PUBLIC transportation also means that my baby and information about my baby is also for the PUBLIC. By that I mean, this morning, the lady next to me, touched her head pointing out to ME the mother that she has two "puyo" (dang I forget what it translates to in English)....and then Naomi started fussing and I kept doing my thing to calm her and put her to sleep and this lady kept doing this clucking noise to Naomi and I was like, look lady, you can look but that's about all I permit you to do! Don't touch and don't try to be the mother! It's okay if people ask if she is a boy or a girl, or how old she is...etc but I HATE it when people ask me her name...or if they can look at her (when I have her covered in the tail of my sling...).

Oh one more thing, I was waiting for my bus transfer by the Sam Museum on 1st and University when this woman in her very chic office outfit approached me and asked if I can take a picture of her and her officemates in front of the SAM Museum because they are doing a scavenger hunt. She pointed over at her well-dressed colleagues, who were about several feet away looking expectantly at me. Now, in between these colleagues and me were about FIVE people waiting for the bus. I don't know why they picked to ask me, but I was like, lady, are you blind? I have a backpack, and a baby in my arms (don't worry she was in a sling) and i was furiously swaying side to side and doing my ssshhh shhhh shhhh so Naomi won't wake up. I stared at her not knowing what to say and I managed to tell her the obvious, that my hands were full at the moment. Sigh. Explain that.

Okay, lastly, mommy burnt out. Oh boy, I really need to watch out for this one. Monday morning, when I woke up, I felt super heavy and just couldn't do much of my "usual chores". Of course I try to muster all the will power I have, and planned a week's worth of cooking. I packed the diaper bag and prepped Naomi but for the life of me...I couldn't get out of the house. I just was so....dead. The rest of the week (meaning yesterday) - I couldn't do any chores, couldn't even fold laundry. I just sat most of the day with Naomi in my arms doing facebook. Today after coming back home to a semi-clean house (hubby cleaned the kitchen last night! Yay Steve!) I still was unmotivated. I was like, what is wrong with me???? I had a good excuse of just holding Naomi all day because she just had some shots...but I tried to think and my mind was just mush.

Then I was FB (facebooking) and through looking at some mommy-friend's profiles, I realized that LAST WEEK, I had exhausted myself by cooking MTWF - and mind you they were not simple meals - they were from cookbooks and required almost 1-2 hours of my time to complete. I also did laundry, vacuumed and kept the house clean EVERY DAY. When Steve left, I would put Naomi in my sling, and I would tidy up the house. DANG. The week before, I tried to see if I was ready to cook and because it was successful, I assumed I could also resume my full-time housewife duties. HAHAHA. What was I thinking??? Also, all of last week, I didn't take a break at night. When Steve got home, I would still be the one putting Naomi to bed and was in bed usually by 8 or 9 so I can get some ZZZZZ when Naomi slept the longest. So no time for ME just to unwind and be in a non-mom gear for a second.

Earlier this evening, after putting Naomi to sleep I asked Steve to hold her and she has been holding Naomi for more than an hour now and I'm eating my lasagna and writing. I am showered (which was the first shower I had that was longer than 5 minutes in weeks!) in my silk pajamas and it feels SO good.

My husband is super willing to accommodate whatever I need but I have to ASK. I don't know what it is, but this SUPER MOM hormone kicks in I think and I try to do everything. Well, I hope I'm learning my lesson. I asked Steve if I can have one night a week where I get the night off (but it means I have to pump which I hate!) and he can also have a night off (he never goes out anywhere after work, just comes home to be there for me and Naomi.) I think he needs that too. And then the next step would be to find a babysitter so we can have time to ourselves here and there (I'm not sure we need a weekly date night like before!)...

So whew. It feels good to get all that in writing.

I know I know, you're hoping the "Other Things" were pictures (and videos!) of Naomi but this is a ME time so I'll do that another chance I get to blog.

Promise.

Naomi's Dedication

Tue, 26 Aug 2008 19:22:52 GMT

For friends and family without facebook (it's where we usually post pictures of Naomi) here are some pictures from Naomi's dedication. It started out as a nice sunny day at Golden Gardens but the clouds rolled in and before you knew it, we had to find shelter under several trees (thankfully Steve brought a huge umbrella for us!). If you noticed, we're a bit coordinated in our outfits, and I never thought I'd be that kind of mom. My older sister is like that and I used to make fun of her...but it's just fun to wear matching outfits!!!

Cousin Alex and Naomi

Pastor Ed asked Steve and I to think of our commitments to Naomi as parents and here are the top four we shared yesterday at the dedication:

1. To faithfully listen to God how to show Naomi His love and mercy as well as his holiness and justice, through our lives and the world around us.
2. To nurture Naomi physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually so that she may grow rooted in Truth and live freely in Grace
3. To listen to Naomi, to her desires and fears; discover with her who she is and help her live out the story God has purposed for her.
4. To learn from Naomi, grow in patience and sacrifice through her and remember what it's like to be a child again.

There was another couple who dedicated their baby girl too..and one of their commitments was to keep growing their marriage so they can provide a safe and loving environment for her...and I ditto that.

I'm sure this list isn't going to be easy to live out, but that's where God comes in.

I'm going to post more pictures of Naomi soon....she is starting to smile now!!!!

Church, Baby Slings, Breastfeeding and Other Things

Sun, 10 Aug 2008 22:28:22 GMT

I should be taking a nap very soon, hopefully after I write this entry. Naomi is peacefully asleep in my sling so I can type with two hands.

Church
It was our first time to go back to church after Naomi was born, and she did very well. I carried her in my sling the entire time, and she stirred only twice, once for a poopy diaper and a quick snack and another signaling that we better head home soon. People are so nice at Sanctuary. No, nice isn't really the word. They are very kind, sincere, generous, hospitable and yet...oh so real. Not the artificial kind of niceness. The Pastor visited us a couple of weeks after Naomi was born - and we have only been going to that church for like a month or less! And then a few people came by and dropped off dinner already. I've been burnt and hurt in some of the churches I've been to in the past, and so while I'm a little leery of "church" I feel hopeful because I think this is what I actually picture "church" the way it is meant to be.

Baby Sling
I really like my sling. Nobody told me that it is ESSENTIAL for any new mommy! Naomi loves it, falls asleep in it fast and I love that she is next to me, held and snuggled a lot instead of sleeping in her lonely bed. And of course I can use both hands while writing (writing with one hand takes me double the time!). I feel like a lot of the stuff I signed up for our baby registry I could really do without and then all that stuff that has made my life 100 times better, no one has told us about. So there's the sling (I recommend my sakura bloom wrap www.sakurabloom.com) and then there's the Kiddopotamus Swaddle Blanket. The first night at the hospital after Naomi was born, I was furiously trying to wrap her in a swaddle and for the life of me could not get it right. The nurse even laughed at my attempts. I would cry at night when trying to swaddle Naomi because I know she would wiggle out and would soon wake up after 2 hours of nursing and getting her to sleep and then I would have to start over. Steve must have told the crying wife story to his coworker who is also a mom because she recommended the Kiddopotamus Swaddle blanket. Well, now we use it every time we put Naomi down to sleep and she usually sleeps a lot longer now.

Breastfeeding
Aaah. Yes, the OTHER thing no one warned me about. My little angel thinks I'm a 24-7 diner. And sometimes she likes to drop by every three hours, sometimes two, sometimes one and then sometimes, she gets the MUNCHIES. It's like when you want to snack every half an hour or so. OMG. Soreness. So sore sometimes that I cry when i see the look on Naomi's face that has hunger munchies written all over it. I'm less sore now that I can tell if Naomi is using my apparatus correctly or not. I've also been able to do it in public a few times now. So proud of myself! (Oh I also went out with Naomi all by myself a few days ago, driving and using the stroller and all! We chilled at the mall so we wouldn't be too hot at home...) The best place to do it while in the mall is at Nordstrom - their ladies lounge is always clean and nice... the couches are usually very comfy too. Last time, there were like four of us breastfeeding our babies at the Nordies Southcenter Mall. So I guess I'm getting used to this whole breastfeeding thing - though I'm still not used to how much my boobs have gotten so much bigger.

Other Things
Some nights, I'm holding Naomi in my arms and I look into her angelic face, and I'm like, I wish i don't need sleep so I can just stay up all night and watch you and make sure you are okay. I want so much to provide everything Naomi needs every second, to know exactly what she needs every time she cries, and to be kind and sweet and tender and loving to her every moment. But then there are times when Naomi gets the munchies and I'm like, I don't want to feed you right now can't you just go back to sleep? I afterwards feel HORRIBLE, like i'm the worst mother of all. Or when she is crying and crying even though I've done everything I'm supposed to do and she still won't stop that I'm so angry at her that I have to have Steve hold her so I can step away and take a long deep breath.

I realize that I want to be a perfect mother to Naomi but that I can't. I need sleep to function, I lose patience sometimes, I know so very little about babies, I can't read her mind, I'm selfish sometimes, etc. And then I came across a few verses from the Bible the other day about God - how he does not sleep or slumber, how he knows how many hairs are on our head, how he always acts for our own good etc and I realized that while I can't be the perfect mom to Naomi -- God can. My ultimate goal as a mother is not for Naomi to say, wow I have the best mommy in the world (though that would be sooo cool) but for Naomi to say, wow I have the Best Abba Father in the world. And so I hope in both my strengths and limitations as a mom, I can point her to knowing a God who is perfectly kind, gracious, just, merciful, all-knowing, ever-present and so much more.

Uhoh, my little one stirring...more next time.

"I Can't Wait"

Wed, 06 Aug 2008 03:48:07 GMT

I have an hour before I have to nurse Naomi again and I intend to sleep for at least 45 minutes so this is a quickie. Just wanted to post this song by Sara Groves from her album Station Wagon. You can only order it on her website www.saragroves.com and she recorded it specially for parents. The song captures best what I want for my daughter...especially the line..."and you'll teach me of hearts and dreams and all the most important things and all the things I've lost along the way."

For those who have stopped by these past 3 weeks with your company and food, a very heartful thanks! Okay, off to catch some much need zzzzzzs!

I Can't Wait

When you reach the proper age

I will teach you to read and you can turn the pages

How to dress and tie your shoes

Your one plus ones and your two times twos

And you'll teach me of hearts and dreams

And all the most important things

And all that I have lost along the way

And I can't wait

As you grow I'll show you things

How to ride your biek and kick your legs out on the swings

To fold your hands and bow your head

And say your prayers before you go to bed

And you'll teach me of hearts and dreams

And all the most important things

And all that I have lost along the way

And I can't wait

How do you sleep so peacefully?

How do you trust so unflinchingly?

How do you love so faithfully?

How do you dance so joyfully?

First Day Without Daddy and Other Updates

Mon, 04 Aug 2008 22:49:09 GMT

Today, Naomi is short of 2 days to being three weeks old. She is filling out nicely...no more wrinkly skin. Her tummy is rounding out and with the way she is eating, I think she'll be a chubby baby soon. Steve also had to go back to work today. Sad. He wished he could have taken like 2 months off. Booooo to USA for having lousy maternity and paternity leave for moms and dads. It really stinks because Dad needs the bonding time too and three weeks is not enough. You're just getting over the initial shock at that point and then you're back to work? We're thankful though that I can stay home...although to be honest I was a bit apprehensive being on my own today. Naomi likes to fuss sometimes for a couple of hours and when I'm tired and cranky, it's hard to get her to calm down. I end up with a pair of sore boos and an exhausted baby. But I think I'm getting better at reading her cues and quicker to respond to what she needs. Right now, she is sleeping oh so peacefully in my sling.

Anyway, I had sooooo many thoughts I wanted to put down in writing, but how do you find time having to nurse a baby every 2-3 hours? Even if I did have time, I am supposed to try to take a nap so I try but end up sleeping half the time Naomi is down. Well this is MY normal now. And I do have some time now (yay slings!) so here goes:

1. Naomi is the best thing that has ever happened to my prayer life and growth in general. Seriously. At first, my prayers were like, God please help Naomi sleep four hours tonight. Okay, three. Okay, two. Fine, one hour if that's not too much to ask! Now my prayers are like, God would you give me grace to respond to Naomi tonight, whether she wakes up after two hours or four? I'm reminded that prayer, and well, all of our life really, is a life of response. God initiates, stuff happens to us, and it's in our response that we are able to truly reflect our trust in Jesus. Often times, in Christian circles, we like to be the ones to initiate and make things happen and it feels so passive to just to "responders" but if your really think about it, that's what we really do. We aren't really in control if we really think about it. Which brings me to my second point.

2. I'm learning to let go of my need for control. Having a baby truly forces one to do this. I can't control her sleeping, feeding, crying, etc. I can respond lovingly to her needs and she can choose to respond however way. But I have no control. Some nights, when I forget that - I would end up crying more than the baby because I'm just frustrated that at 3 am after an hour of nursing and putting her to sleep, she would poop right after I change her diaper so i would have to do it all over again. And then there's my need to control my environment. Sometimes, even though I should be napping, I would be cleaning up the house because I have this need for order. Well, I'm learning to let that go. And then there's Daddy - every time he picks Naomi up, I have an opinion of how he should do it. Poor guy. I'm learning to let that go too. Visitors. Aaah. I can control that somewhat by saying no, but I also can't. People drop by, stay longer than intended, etc. The question is, how do I respond? Believe me, I've responded horribly a few times.

3. Self-care is even more important now. It sounds better to put your baby first before yourself (which in many cases you need to) but I realized that if I haven't taken any time to fill up my emotional/spiritual/social/mental tank, I end up being cranky with Naomi, and Steve. Mothers are notoriously known for being overspent and always putting their children and husband first and then end up having a nervous breakdown because they've been running on empty for a long time. I think I have this tendency. But I don't want to end up like that. So when Steve was around, I would always take a shower first thing in the morning and it's my ME time. Now that he has to get ready for work, I probably would just do it at night or somethign. But blogging is ME time so this feels nourishing for me. And friends dropping by, calling and emailing are also heavensent.

Okay, that's about all I have time for right now. Naomi calls for food (well, she is still asleep but she should be hungry by now...)

One Week Old Update

Wed, 23 Jul 2008 16:14:46 GMT

So Naomi is one week old today. Yey! Steve and I are somewhat dazed and confused but also somewhat getting a routine going: nursing, changing diapers, taking naps with Naomi, waking up, eating, and back to nursing. It's amazing how our day goes by fast and all I have to show for are the soiled diapers that will contribute to the ridiculous amount of waste Americans produce. I have no guilt using disposables right now - I will go crazy if I try to figure out how to use cloth and juggle everything else. So I'm thankful we have that option.

I have been wanting to write about my labor experience (I still cry when I think about it - but tears are a mixture of joy and weird disbelief that I went through that) but that will involve more than 20 minutes, which is all I have for myself when baby sleeps. I figure, she sleeps about 2-3 hours so I have about half an hour to take care of self stuff, and then half an hour to fall asleep and hopefully get in about an hour worth of nap before she wakes up and I have to nurse again.

This Friday, I am looking forward to going to my first PEPS meeting (Program for Early Parent Support) and meet other moms in the area. Steve has only one more week left before he leaves me alone with Naomi and I think I need to gather all the support I can get! There's about 4 moms who live near my home so that's good, I hope I connect with a few people there.

One last thought before I post more pictures of Naomi: I am blessed with such a wonderful supportive husband and I can't imagine going through labor nor raising Naomi without him. Men are SO different from us women but I so appreciate just how different they are and what they bring. Thanks darling husband.